I Know Only Weird People Have Sick Obsessions But It’s In My Favor; The Public Sympathizes A Pretty Girl With Flaws

by SJP

I know I don’t need to reiterate that my career or lack thereof is kind of a big deal.  We already know my line of labor demands a lot of cute outfits from me, but what’s surprising is that despite being extremely busy color coordinating my dresses with paper clips at work, I somehow manage to still daydream about my Ex Boyfriend. 

You know who my Ex Boyfriend is; the important NYC edition of Monopoly Banker so I won’t remind you.  And don’t be mad I’m daydreaming about him because it’s not my fault.  Nope, he’s on my mind again because he decided to call me on Friday night at 2 o’clock in the morning.  What a jerk, like, doesn’t he know I’m in bed snoring at that hour?  Well he woke me up which really pissed me off because I was in the middle of a dream that I was a bestselling author signing books with Fabio on the cover that were flying off the shelves at the local Piggly Wiggly.  So I wipe the drool from my mouth and pick up the phone to see his number and groan.

I didn’t answer.  Why would I answer?

Regardless, he’s in my head again and I can’t help wishing misfortune for him.  I know that’s foolish but I imagine all sorts of things I can’t control; calling him on the phone to hear his voice when I personally condemn him to hell, wrapping my arms around his neck in a jujitsu choke hold, just being near enough to him to put chewed up gum in his coat pockets.  You know- girly stuff like that.

We must still be united to each other by hatred.  Wow, I mean there is something powerfully disgusting in that thought. He and I are like those movies where the split screen shows two lovers doing the same thing at the same time after a break up.  Yes, that’s definitely my Ex Boyfriend and I.  I wonder if he can feel me thinking of how much I hate him right now…?   Has he too, found a few seconds during this busy day to imagine spitting on my face?  I’d like to think so…

I bet the two of us, though driven far apart by time and distance, are still carrying the deep hopes of each other’s demise within us.  Isn’t it amazing what love can do?