I Said I Needed To Rent An Apartment, Not Retail Space on Madison Avenue

by SJP

 “Obviously I want to live in Manhattan!” I thought to myself pretentiously this morning when I started my search for apartments in New York City.  My emphasis on silk or chiffon garments and zero tolerance for chipped nail polish lifestyle, tells me that I’m best suited in an area that prides itself on being one of the fashion Mecca’s in the world.   

I began with Google, rested my chin in the palm of my hands, and glued my eyes to the computer screen.  I found the first website, and noticed a minor inaccuracy with the format of the page.  I was surprised to see the web designer’s careless mistake written at the bottom stating that the Broker retains a minimum fee of $1,000.00 for finding the apartment…?  “Ha!” I thought, “A charge for someone doing their job, on top of their salary?  They better hire themselves a new web designer because that miscalculation is going to cost them business!”  But I believe in second chances, even for stupid web designers, so I continued to utilize their page to find an apartment.

“Ohh I want a backyard, check! I need a washer and dryer, check! Definitely walk in closets, check!  Next to Central Park? CHECK!”  I was clicking away with the mouse eager to see the future options that New York City had for Jackson and me.  I imagined a cute little pre-war walk up, on the second floor maybe with nostalgic crown molding and a fireplace that no longer functioned but paired nicely with my glorious couch!  I put in my budget of $1,200.00 and waited for the results to load. In my head I saw furnaces next to small windows with potted plants hanging beneath them looking out across vast skyscrapers, refurnished kitchens with stone counter tops and stainless steel appliances.  (In one image I even saw myself cooking!)  Finally the page came up,


 “Interesting…” I said to myself raising an eyebrow, “I wonder what I did wrong?” I went back to my original criteria and just out of curiosity raised my budget and deleted the laundry and park options and sure enough, something came up.


 My reservations of a faulty website were further heightened when I sorted through the listings to find that for $1,700.00 a month I could rent a janitor’s closet at the city hall and have access to a 12”x 20’’ patch of grass that constituted as a “backyard”.  I couldn’t believe it!  I felt like writing to the company personally and telling them about the numeric glitches in their system.

I raised my budget a few more times and was shocked to find that every Real Estate company’s options yielded similar results, and not that many.  By the time I had some real listings to look through  the price was so high it was laughable!  You’d think I was requesting for a Pent House condo on Park Avenue for the suff that was coming up.  Hellooo I said I wanted a one bedroom apartment in Manhattan, I didn’t ask to live in Hermes!

I mean what in Sam Hell was going on with the networks in New York City?  There I was trying to prepare myself for a serious move during some kind of state wide error on every broker’s website; it was a complete waste of time.  I had to X out of all the tabs and just give up for a little while.  It’s pointless trying to search for living space during a technical epidemic like that.  I just turned on CNN a few minutes ago to see what kind of internet crisis New York is experiencing and apparently it’s a developing story because I haven’t seen coverage yet, I’ll keep you posted.

Update:  After calling the NYPD to report suspicious fraudulent activity online, I was informed there are no reported HTML errors anywhere in New York.  Oh, and I’m quote, “Just fucking poah”

Poor, maybe? What happened to the R?