Why You Should Never Take Me Shopping, Or, How I Bought A Necklace For The Monthly Price Of My Car!

by SJP

It started when after reading the Holiday chapter in “Girlfriend’s for Dummies” I decided to get my Colombian Boyfriend a Christmas present!  You know me, it’s been forever since I’ve been a girlfriend so the idea of gift buying for someone other than myself is a little foreign but according to the book it’s very important to make my Boyfriend feel “exceptionally special” this time of year so it “enhances” our bond or some shit like that.  So what, I thought, should I get him?  What does a good looking Latino need for Christmas?  It should be something that he would really enjoy besides burritos but also useful like a Spanish English dictionary; something that made him think of me when he saw it like a Hooters billboard …but what

Well, together Neiman Marcus and I figured it out, but not before I walked with throbbing feet all the way through the 500 square foot Men’s department in heels, straining my little arms carrying bags, perspirating through the congested walk ways, and giving myself a headache sniffing colognes.  To put it mildly, I was suffering.  I felt exhausted and thirsty but I kept walking through the store.  I trekked on, thinking only of my Boyfriend’s joy while the spot lights seemed to glare down on me, and the Piano man seemed to play obnoxiously louder each time I passed, I felt lost and empty without any gifts of my own…

Until finally, fate happened.  Actually Kate happened.  Kate Spade.  I think a choir of angels started to gloriously sing as I dropped my Boyfriend’s presents like a ton of bricks next to the jewelry counter and fell to my knees right in front of the most beautiful necklace.  This wasn’t just a necklace.  It was the necklace.  The only necklace.  And I wanted it.  I pressed my hands and face against the glass window and peered in at the sparkly array of colors, imagining it paired with several different outfits.  How could I not have it?  How could I get into the Holiday spirit without those large multi-colored gemstones around my neck?  How would I spread Holiday cheer without Holiday themed jewelry?  How could I say Merry Christmas to anyone with real merriment, if I didn’t have that necklace? TELL ME HOW!   

“Its $350.00 maam,” Said the woman behind the counter.  Oh shit, I thought, that’s how.  “Would you like me to take it out so you can see it?” She reached for the key on her wrist and started to unlock the cabinet.  Oh gawd no, I thought in a panic, don’t take it out.  Kate Spade products are like puppies.  You can never just “look” at it, or simply “hold” it.  But she took it out anyway.  I bit my lip nervously as she reached for the necklace and lifted it up towards me. 

“It is quite lovely…” I said thoughtfully while holding it up to my neck.  This was dangerous.  “And it does seem to suit my fair skin tone quite well…” I was in trouble. I’m really not the voice of reason in terms of shopping.  I’ll never talk myself out of any purchase; in fact, I’ll up sell myself persuading my senses into a matching lipstick as if I were working for a commission.  It gave me great pleasure to wear the necklace for a brief 3 minutes.  I walked from one end of the counter to the other to get the full effect before I realized I didn’t want to deprive myself of that sort of pleasure any longer.  How did I go 25 years without this necklace, I asked myself admiring the flashy colors that enhanced my décolletage, I look downright elegant.  I can’t afford it but I look truly majestic! Class personified!  The equivalent of my car payment! Who cares?! I must have it!  I can’t live without it!

“I’ll take it!” I decided in a frenzy.  It was thrilling and satisfying and calming all at the same time. “And could you please gift wrap it?” I said feeling quite pleased with my tumultuous decision.  It obviously had to be wrapped.  I very well cannot buy myself such an amazing present without having it wrapped, can I?  What a stupid question, of course I can’t.  My my my, I thought while she tied the bow on top of my box, I’m going to be a very merry little girl on Christmas morning…