It’s All Fun And Games Until You Get Into A Fight Over Rice!

by SJP

So basically, I didn’t hear my Colombian Boyfriend say he was already making rice when I asked for the rice.  Then I thought he was just making it because I said I wanted rice and so I suggested he not make the rice at all and then he suggested I not change things when he’s doing something sweet for me, so of course I suggested he not be so mean when I was just trying to be nice too, then he suggested I not be such a picky eater to which I suggested he go fuck himself!


Can you believe him?  Obviously I hung up in the heat of the moment and after 2 minutes and 36 seconds; he still hadn’t called me back!  Gawd, what was he doing over there?  Preparing the, “I’m sorry baby let’s never fight again” speech?  Probably, I said reassuring myself.  Since that can take some time to get the proper ass kissing words right, I paced the kitchen and gave him a few more seconds before calling back.

 “Why haven’t you called me?”  I mean, seriously! What does a girl have to do to get her boyfriend to call her back after she hangs up on him mid-sentence?

“You hung up on me…” He was being literal.  Why would he be literal?  Was that smug?  It sounded to me like he was being smug.  I wonder what my girlfriend’s would think about that response.  I imagined asking my best friend, and shook my head in disdain by her invented answer that I made up in my head. It’s decided, I thought, HE IS BEING SMUG!

“And?  You’re supposed to call me right back.  Why wouldn’t you call me back?  I’ve been waiting here, this whole time, for you to call me back!”  What was there not to understand? I hung up on him, which was a clear indicator that I wanted him to call me back.  Everybody in my old psyche ward knows this logic!

“Why would I call you back when you hung up on me?” To further my infuriation, he sounded genuinely confused.  Why was he asking such ridiculous questions? 

“I JUST WANTED SOME DAMN RICE!”  I hung up again violently.  He was supposed to be used to crazy Latin women!  Why was he not handling my madness better? 

Love is so dumb, I told myself while plopping down on the couch.  Only love can ruffle itself into an argument over rice.  Over nothing.  People out of love don’t fight; they don’t get upset over their Colombian Boyfriends.  They pet their cats and watch Jeopardy and eat popcorn- now there’s a good time.  What was I doing anyway?  “Love is totally stupid,” I said to the dog reaching for the remote control.  I bet Jeopardy was on.  Or maybe the Golden Girls! “It’s pointless! Love is just–”

The door bell rang.  No way, I thought while watching Jackson sniff under the door crack wagging his tail.  I got up in disbelief and looked through the peep hole to see a cowering olive face looking around anxiously in my hall way.  He looked truly adorable waiting for me to let him in.  Everything felt better; he was a sweet boy and loved me and wanted to be there for me even at my craziest moments.  I had everything I wanted in that moment.  Except of course, for the rice.