Do These Fake Eyelashes Make Me Look Fake?

by SJP

I’m easily discouraged now that I’m unemployed.  I do write a lot of bull shit still, but I can feel myself slipping into a pitiful state of mind.  It’s scary to think how quickly someone in my position would get depressed so I have to make extra strides to take care of myself since I value my mental health about as much as I value peanut shells.

Which is why I did myself a favor and got false eyelashes.  (And you thought you had a productive day! Ha!) Although, it was sort of work in itself since there’s like, 40 different styles of eyelashes to choose from!  Seriously, 40.   Talk about pressure with a capital P; I stood in front of the enormous wall of synthetic black lashes a little glad I didn’t have a job.  I mean, career stress on top of the stress of choosing the right eyelashes  would surely have made me faint.  But don’t worry… I did in fact pick out the perfect pair without collapsing.  And they were just $12.00 dollars which means I  only overpaid by $11.99!  They’re just magnificent aside from the glue splotches, and make my eyes look glamorous which is really important when you aren’t making any money!

So yeah, that’s why I have so much cheap hooker sex appeal in this blog post… because I’m wearing them… right now.  You’re welcome.