I’m Not Saying We Are Back Together But I Am Back To Doodling Hearts Around His Name

by SJP

Remember when I said I was going to sell the ring, or whatever?  Of course you do.  So yeah, I planned to and was on my way to the David Yurman store on Madison Avenue but then I was like, well this is pretty stupid because Lemon Citrine kinda goes with everything.  It’s true, the stone has the ability to match everything in my closet seamlessly so that’s the reason why I’m not selling it!  Well… that and my Colombian Exboyfriend e-mailed me as I was on my way to the store.

So my motive for selling the ring sort of fizzled when his suggestive, melancholy e-mails started coming in.  At first they were subtle, “I miss you baby” e-mails but I still didn’t sell it because everybody knows how quickly, “I miss you,” turns into, “Let’s go to Charleston South Carolina to rekindle our fiery romance!”  Of course I was excited he asked me and I wanted to jump on the first plane out but hello, I’m smarter than that but barely!  I had to take a few days to gather my thoughts.  I wanted to make sure if I went on this trip it was for the right reasons and I wouldn’t regret it.  I had to think of a few years back, when a sorority sister of mine  told me to never go on a vacation with someone who recently dumped you.  She was a little older than me and had been “lavaliered” by a Sigma Chi, so at the time I really valued her input.  She said a vacation during a breakup confuses things and it’s easy to mistake lust for love.  It was sage advice.  It meant a lot and I never forgot what she said to me!

Until this one night– I saw her at a mixer wearing navy blue with black.  Needless to say, I was appalled.  How can someone who sounded so smart turn out to be so fucking stupid?  Well, after that I lost all credibility for the girl and did in fact, forget what she said.  I have a lot of trouble retaining information from irrational, poorly dressed women like her so yeah, I went to Charleston…

I know what you’re thinking.  I know how you want me to transition the rest of this blog post but unfortunately for you perverts, it’s not going to happen.  I don’t write about sex so I have to skip what happened that morning when he wanted the blinds wide open, just before room service came with our shrimp’n’grits.  I have to leave out the dirty words he said to me when we were doing that thing on the bathroom counter at 2am.  I know you’re curious if I did bad things under the dinner table or “forgot” to wear underwear with the new skirt he bought me…but I just can’t say.  Sorry!