I’m Only Asking Directions From Ugly People

by SJP

So, I’m here!  I’m in Barcelona by myself!  I imagined this trip to be liberating and intellectually fulfilling except I failed
to realize this is my first time to Europe and it’s a little bit fucking scary!   I called the US Embassy when I got off the place because I have them on speed dial and I wanted to know where their location was but instead, they informed me of the pick pocketing epidemic going on in Spain right now.  It’s pretty bad but don’t stress for me; I’m not an idiot and I’m taking serious strides to protect myself which is why I’m only wearing my Calvin Klein Collection pencil skirts that don’t have pockets.  I also brought the Kate Spade cross body that has no outside zippers or openings to reach into so I guess you could say my solid strategy of using fashion to fight crime is going well.  (In your face, people who think I’m unintelligent!)

Aside from the theives, I also have to be on the lookout for the boys.  Not look for them, but look out for them because apparently you have to do cautious things like that when you’re traveling alone with nice boobs that overshadow any other quality like perfect hair and shiny lips.  Boys are looking for naive, pretty girls like me to befriend and take advantage of, but you know what?  I’m good.  Don’t worry.  I got this.  I’ve seen enough Investigation Discovery Channel documentaries to know that the pretty girls only get kidnapped without a struggle by pretty boys which is why I’m only asking directions from ugly people!  Do you hear that, guys with sexy accents and soft Vneck t-shirts?  I’m not falling for it.  If one of you good looking Latino boys dare try to approach me I’m going in the other direction.  No you cannot give me directions to the beach and no you cannot buy me a drink!  How stupid do you think I am?

Okay fine, maybe just buy me the drink.

Or two.  Alright three but then I’m getting the hell out of there…