Can I just say that I am never asking anyone, “what’s wrong?” again. See, the problem with asking someone what’s wrong is that sometimes they actually tell you. And while that might not sound like a terrible idea, it actually will turn out to be a horrible idea if you’re me and you’re asking a Match.com First Date Guy, “what’s wrong?” To be honest I didn’t ask him because I’m a caring person who has an intuitive sense for people’s feelings; oh definitely not. I asked him because he was making a disturbingly unattractive face as the hostess took us to our table and I wanted it to stop.
And the expression did go away however at the brutal expense of him going on to describe his dentist appointment 5 hours prior where he had a root canal because of an, “excessively decayed tooth.” This information was absolutely vile to someone like me who has never even had so much as a cavity. I hadn’t even situated my purse to hang on the back of the chair before I was wondering if this guy had ever heard of floss and being further bombarded with his hand gestures mimicking a drill going into his mouth. ”So don’t be alarmed,” he said to me. ”If I only order soup.” But before I could even get a word in, or open the menu for that matter, he started again.
“Anyway I don’t eat much since I had lap band surgery,” he tried to continue.
“Lap band surgery?” I asked, a little confused because he’s only in his 30′s. I assumed that was a last resort surgery for older people who were overweight.
“Yeah, I got really fat after my divorce!” He said with a weird enthusiasm. ”So after the procedure I can’t eat that much. I actually have to eat super small portions and chew each bite about 37 times before I swallow because if I don’t I will literally throw up at the table.”
Ok so are we in agreement that his response to, “what’s wrong?” should have been something like he had a late lunch or a long day at work? Don’t tell me about your fat phase, decaying teeth, and possible emotional baggage from a divorce. Has this guy ever head of a
fucking lie? Lie to me. Please? I was totally horrified by everything that came out of his mouth in the first 7 minutes of meeting him and even more worried that he legit does not stop texting me. He’s constantly asking me what I’m doing for lunch or if I have time for Happy Hour drinks. I think it goes without saying that tonight, I am drowning my problems.
The tricky part will be trying to get this guy in a bathtub…